Forgiveness Isn't Easy

So, I received a note today from my father asking me and my siblings to encourage my mother via notes/calls because she is writing papers for school and it is really wearing on her.

My first reaction was, "I totally know how that goes." I can remember the agony of trying to find all my sources, the temptation to change the font so that I could end my misery sooner, and the late nights I sat with my laptop trying to finish my paper which was due the next day. I could understand the frustration and how much a word of encouragement would mean in this situation.

But then I had a second reaction: "You hardly ever called me when I was in college, and now you're asking me to think about your situation, feel bad for you, and try to encourage you? The nerve!"

(Enter appropriate Christian response: Forgiveness)

As I grow older, I find that forgiveness is an essential ingredient in healthy relationships. Forgiveness is a choice. Choose to withhold it, you will lead a miserable life clinging to the wrongs others have done to you, growing ever more bitter as the years go on. In essence, you choose slavery to bitterness. Choose to give it, you open a door to freedom-- freedom to love and enjoy living.

In the case with my parents, I have had to forgive them time and again for the things they have done that hurt me (most things being unintentional). Every time it has been genuine. The thing that is annoying, however, is that even though I've had those moments where it's me and God, my Bible, a piece of paper and a pen, and I've worked through these issues, laid them at the cross and forgiven them, something always happens afterwards that pinches a nerve and reminds me of what was past.

I believe these are character testing experiences in which I get to prove that I am practicing the faith that I preach. Sometimes I pass and sometimes I fail. In this particular instance, I believe I failed. Instead of keeping my mouth shut, I took the opportunity to remind my dad of how neither he nor my mother ever called to encourage me when I was stressed out. This bothered me because I knew I had forgiven them already. Now, I had already made up my mind to make sure I did try to encourage my mom, but the fact that I could not restrain myself of reminding my father of his wrong to me somehow took the true meaning out of doing a good deed for my mother.

Devotion Dilemma

I don’t know how long I’ve been struggling with this one, but it’s been awhile. It seems I can never find time to do my devotions, and when I do find the time, I’m always lacking in consistency. In talking with other Christians, I’ve realized I’m not alone in this. On the one hand, I’m glad I’m not as “abnormal” as I thought I was, but on the other hand, I’m troubled because it seems to me that spending time with God should be of utmost importance in my life. When I was a teenager, free time was more in abundance. Now that I’m an adult, the mundane things of life (work, making dinner, doing laundry, and sleep) seem to trump reading my Bible.

Desire. Do I desire to know God more? Do I desire to be closer to Him? Yes, I think I do. I want to grow in my relationship with Him. I want to mature as a believer.

Dependency. Do I rest full dependency upon God instead of myself? Hmmm…not all the time. If I really understood my daily need for God, my need for Him to guide me in every situation, then I think I would probably be more inclined to stay close to him. Instead, it’s easy for me to find security in myself, my job, my decisions.

Discipline. Do I discipline myself to just do it? Definitely not. There’s no easy way around this one. I know some people talk about having accountability groups to help keep them on the straight and narrow. But even with my accountability group, I find myself coming each with the same answer: Devotions were so-so/non-existent. Excuses, excuses. I really don’t have any good ones except that I’m lazy.

So, I’ve got the desire, but I need to work on the dependency/discipline issue. I can accept this, but now I need to take it to the next level. Pinpointing my roadblocks is the first step. Next comes implementing some realistic plans to overcome these roadblocks and move forward into a deeper relationship with God.