"My Thoughts Are Not Your Thoughts..."

I can remember back to when my family experienced a deep loss. I was interning at an English school in Albania when I got the unexpected call from my then boyfriend. I had not given anyone the phone number of the place I was staying. I found out later that my boyfriend had gone through some of my email correspondence and found an email signature of the director and called that number to try to reach me. Needless to say, you didn't have to tell me twice that something really bad was going on.

"Brandon died," he said. Brandon was my sister's fiancee'. They were two months away from their wedding.

I was shocked. Half-way across the world, 23 hours away from my family, I felt so helpless. I booked a flight back as soon as I could. All I could do from there is wait for the time to come when I would leave for the airport. In the meantime, I still had classes to teach that day so I went about my normal day, though I didn't feel normal. I was in so much pain, the deepest pain I had ever experienced in my life. My poor sister!

After classes, I came back to my guest house and picked up host family's guitar. Music has always been therapeutic to me. I penned the following words:


I Will Trust (Brandon’s Song)

Bad things happen and it makes me so confused.
How can this be good from You?
So much potential for the future from my view.
Dreams shattered in a moment. What can I do?

My heart is torn and I’m feeling so broken.
But I remember the words that You have spoken.

That Your ways are not my ways.
And Your thoughts are not my thoughts.
I will trust the plans that You have for me.
Though my eyes cannot see,
I will trust. I will trust.

Though it’s not easy and the pain won’t go away,
he has gone to a better place
far from the trouble here. He’s in heaven today.
I feel this joy within me, but what can I say?

My heart is weak and my spirit is broken.
But what gives me strength now are the words that You have spoken.

That Your ways are not my ways.
And Your thoughts are not my thoughts.
I will trust the plans that You have for me.
Though my eyes cannot see,
I will trust. I will trust.

You are faithful.
Your promises are true.
You are righteous.
I will trust in You.

You hear the cry of my soul when I’m broken.
And I will remember the words that You have spoken.

That Your ways are not my ways.
And Your thoughts are not my thoughts.
I will trust the plans that You have for me.
Though my eyes cannot see,
I will trust. I will trust.


Trusting God when I don't fully understand what He's doing has not necessarily gotten easier over time. Sure, I can believe that He has a greater purpose for it all and that there is something working together for good, but at the same time, there are always so many unanswered questions, which is frustrating.

I recently had the opportunity to again prove the words I wrote four years ago as my husband and I have been working through a molar pregnancy, our first pregnancy. Dreams of a little baby were shattered and replaced with uncertainty about the future state of my health and ability to conceive in the future.

Everyday, every moment is in constant surrender to the One who is in control of it all. Either I trust Him and rest, or I fight Him and remain restless. God is good and He has been that way yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I don't understand His ways for He is greater than I. If I can trust Him for my long-term spiritual health, I can trust Him for my short-term physical & emotional trials.